K&R

Staring into the empty reflection
at fading lines from yesterday
trying to redraw the same
to get me through another day

the black stares back at me
the precision mocking my gaze
concealing all that i couldn't see
fall pretense they help me upkeep

Oh, how i try to smudge these lines,
to extend them beyond the eyes
trying to be what i couldn't be,
fake beauty i couldn't conceal.

I am such a fool!

I am such a fool. For holding on to someone who cares naught. For saving every bit of conversation, random memories, clinging on to every sweet word spoken and every wisp of hope no matter how frail. I am such a fool to believe, to hope, to stop and wonder, to gaze and to waste time imagining how lucky I would be. For all the time I wasted on you, I pity myself. For every moment I held my breath when you said you had something to say or something to ask. I look back to not so long ago and feel like such a fool for letting you hold back so much of me. For giving you the power, consciously, to make an idiot out of me. For the insane number of times, I let your moves determine mine only to discover I am none the better. Time goes on and I am none the wiser. Never will be. I realize my folly and continue to revel in it. Foolish, insane me. I forgot what it was like to give up when one should. I forgot the rules taught to one as a child. I look back at little pieces of saved conversations and smile at every random line. I talk about you all the time only to realize that you might never think of me except in random passing. And that thought itself makes me smile. How silly you have made me become. How lost in random hope. How inane and naïve. Yet, in all of this foolishness I cannot help but feel helpless. How do you draw yourself out of the secured web of dreams you wove so carefully? How do you walk out unscathed when all the wisps have long gone and left behind nothing but mild traces of the foolishness behind? I wonder. And I remain. Caught in this web, for as long as I can remember. Shrinking back into my safe abode, before my realization can hurt me anymore. I am safe in my foolishness….don’t make me leave here.



#I know I have posted this on the other blog too. Don't ask me for reasons. I just couldn't make up my mind as to where this should go#

Winter!

The darkness has settled in now
there is a strange cold wind, a strange silence that has come to stay.
I look out of the window and bid my time
its here to stay for quite a while,
so I hide behind this winder and wait,
wait to reclaim what is truly mine.

Her life!

She sat in the field
With hands that bled
as she pulled out thorns
so carefully planted
in the folds of her perfect life.

She walked on alone
eyes spilling tears
as she fought monsters
no longer confined
to just beneath the bed.

Where did the princess go
when life suddenly took its turn?
like a ragged doll now torn apart
thrown onto bare streets
left for the dogs to play with.

She had never seen life like this
she said
she wasn't built for this
she tried
to break free of all things
she cried
that now pulled her apart.

Where am I?

Sometimes I wonder where I have landed up. Is this how people are in the "outside" world. Is this how strange people are? Do I have to spend the rest of my life among them or can I go back to the people who are like me coz I find none like that here..I am lost. Where do I belong? Why am I here? I wish I could find my place, not be judgmental not be condescending. I am not good, maybe not even half as good as them, but I know that I am not like them and they are not like me. I am tired of trying to fit in, to lose my identity and merge but its not me and not where I want to be. Where do I go from here.....

Die!!

soon,
your day will arrive,
your time to drown,
or maybe simply die.
i am yet to decide,
but,
beware,
i do not lie,
and this you cant deny.
we'll watch you as you die
both your spirit and I.

this lil rhyme is dedicated to Hrishi for all the times he succeeded in making me loose my mind!

Maybe someday......

I know am not good,
I know I am far from perfect,
I may not deserve what I ask for,
I might deserve nothing at all,
But yet I hope, and I pray,
That maybe someday,
Someday mercy will come my way,
and you'll give me what I have been looking for,
coz i have been waiting for way too long now,
for something to go my way,
and maybe someday,
it finally will...

Retelling "I'm still here"

I heard "i'm still here" by Eddie Vedder and I just had to rewrite it but in a different way. It is much shorter now and much different but the theme remains....the horror, the helplessness, the fear and the wonder, and then the haunting question of "why I am still here"...

He said it had to end,
the awful confusion and mixed intent.
It was unclear as to why I let him go,
What happened that night i'll never know.
the candle burnt till it was no more
and I was left staring at the closed door.

It has been months since that night,
I still haven't figured what is right,
many a times he tried to call,
I rejected not just one but all.
He passes by sometimes and I smile,
and he thinks its easy to have moved on.

I thought it'll take but a year,
after all he is but another guy,
but if things were all that easy,
maybe no-one would ever have to cry.
Now he's moved on and i'm still here.
left alone with everything i fear
I drink to drive it all out of my mind
but I couldn't leave it all behind.

Now I stare at all the polished stones
all so prettily lined up in formidable rows.
and there is one which stands by itself
out in the corner, out of the rows.
and i wonder,
why is he gone and i'm still here.

That one lost night

In a drunken haze it all came back to me,
this strange new place,
Is this where I was meant to be?
with bloodshot eyes and sleepless nights,
and now being blinded by psychedelic bright lights.
The madness made me want to scream,
was this really my divine immortal dream?
What happened to my hightened imagery?
the glorious life, the moments i'd prayed to see?
And then it hit, and it hit hard.
Cruel destiny had played its final card.
This is where I always wanted to be,
Amidst madness, and forbidden mercy.



Imperfect post...but written in a haze. Torn between wanting to write a good piece and crawl into bed. Alas, sleep prevailed. :)

Me Vs You

I choose to be ignorant,
I choose to be a fool.
I choose to walk this Earth
with an air of foolish pride.

You point fingers at me,
say that i'm an example
of everything that is wrong with this world
and then you laugh some more.

I wish I could think of a retort,
something wise to say.
but when all words will fade away
your muted smile shall stay.

You mock me with ruthless eyes
call me wicked names.
till i don't have the strength to fight
no strength to rise again.

Now I see how you work
You critisize the whole damn world
and when they all crash and burn,
you smile and say
- "thats how it was all meant to be"

were you the one??

broken fragments in my head
blurry images run again
were you the one by my side?
when all my world fell apart.

the poison ran through my veins
pushed the senses miles away
those dilated moments i cried
were you the one wiping them away?

trapped within these unfamiliar walls
screaming out my forgotten name
were you the one across the glass?
who shared all those silent tears

when the blood poured out that cut
and they refused to stitch it up
bound and gagged I lay alone
were you the one who set me free?

when i walked into the glow
cleansed, free, allowed to go
were you the one who walked away?
leaving me to wage my wars alone.





My last post was disappointing. it didnt come out the way i wanted to, but i put it up anyway. so i made another attempt toimprovise. this isnt exactly upto the mark either....but it expresses it a lil better.

poisoned soul!!!

I won't ask you to justify,
give reasons for what you did,
I know i pushed you away
did everything that you forbid.

Should have known better than that,
but i'd give up all I have
just so I could let you know
am not that person anymore

I wont wash down the pain again
with all that I shouldn't have
I wont touch the poison again
for I lost you because of that

Those memories are all blurred
smoke riddled, sloshed and burnt
but the fragments hurt so bad
they keep me from getting insane.

the lying halo

blinded by this unreal glow
behind, the lies didnt show
I believed you were the God,
that i was looking for so long.

You put the breath into my lifeless soul
filled in the wide gaping hole
and then it all began to show
the hollow lifeless lying glow

your wings were all stolen
they never belonged to you
the light was just the fire
waiting to burn me through

you got me back to life
put me amidst this nightmare
it is like living hell
i was better off when i was dead!

I'M LEAVING

There is no point in me being here,
I am tired of looking for things that were never there,
I searched high and low,
for the things you said were hidden somewhere.
Now I know there is nothing to look for,
no dreams, no hidden truth, no treasure to be found,
I was here chained and bound,
by your lies which left me believing,
hoping,
but its over now,
there's nothing here
and i'm leaving!

JUNE

It was the summer of 08'. We all had it going good but then a storm hit and the world fell apart.
The flowers withered and the soil parched. I was left hiding from the scorching sun.
The rays hit and the light burned.
Now the summer has all gone. With it, its taken away everything that reminded me of you.
All its left behind are the few pages between which are still stuck, the familiar smell of June.

the court!

the invisible string tugs again
turns up a notch on the pain
walking on this crafted dream
muted by the silent scream
i play the role designed for me
for the audience i can never see
governed by the unsaid command
fulfilling her every demand
dancing to the written tune
under the milk spilt moon
alive only as long as i can dress
follow orders, act and impress
my cruel unforgiving empress!

untitled

they shut their eyes,
they're not looking,
its but a lie,
we're all seeking
for any hope or sign
all the time,
for a pattern in the random design

they say the same,
there's no respite
its an endless game,
a long dark night,
a mindless search,
a haunted cry
the hearts desire
fueling the fire

Evil angel!

those devious smiles,

delirious lies

the unholy truth

those wicked eyes

send a chill down my spine

those empty laughs,

hollow cries

the chilling stare

sad demise

brought about my swift decline

the sudden fall,

that evil fate

the silent call

shattering lives

made sure i'll never rise....

cosmic joke

grinning like a total fool

walked into this mirage

didn't realize i was the devils tool

thought all evil i had dodged.

believed i had achieved a dream

found the elusive treasured key

then woke up with a deafening scream

knowing that i'll never be free.

it wiped the smirk off my face,

all my joy it did revoke

left me fallen in disgrace

amidst this cruel cosmic joke.

twisted!!!

oh my dear puppet
wooden and cold,
dance my little dance,
do as i bid.
sing the happy song,
smile on cue
and u shall never see
the world as it is
cruel and dead
frosty, mouldy and gray!

&now

No the words dont have to rhyme,
Its all going to be different this time

dejarse sin decir

Another teardrop falls unseen,
Yet another cry unheard,
Another silent moment passes,
Endless emotions bottled up.

Another step in the wrong direction,
A million words left unsaid,
Another dream crushed to death,
The dark night is here to stay.

Another hope washed away,
Nothing left to drench the pain,
One last wish lingers unspoken,
Diminishing with the fading light....

Endless nights!

She said a silent prayer as she bid goodbye,
tried so hard not to cry,
Every step he took increased her fear
of never being able to hold him near.

He walked with a gun in hand,
into a bloodsoaked land.
He was ordered to shoot everyone in sight,
so he shot on blindly into the night.

She stood at the door waiting for her dad,
she had wanted to show him the medal she had bagged,
but it had been six months since he'd left home,
he had left mommy and her all alone.

It was his sons birthday as he stared,
his only son who'd ventured into a field he'd never dared,
and now as they buried the flag covered coffins,
he cursed God for punishing his son for his own sins.