K&R

Staring into the empty reflection
at fading lines from yesterday
trying to redraw the same
to get me through another day

the black stares back at me
the precision mocking my gaze
concealing all that i couldn't see
fall pretense they help me upkeep

Oh, how i try to smudge these lines,
to extend them beyond the eyes
trying to be what i couldn't be,
fake beauty i couldn't conceal.

I am such a fool!

I am such a fool. For holding on to someone who cares naught. For saving every bit of conversation, random memories, clinging on to every sweet word spoken and every wisp of hope no matter how frail. I am such a fool to believe, to hope, to stop and wonder, to gaze and to waste time imagining how lucky I would be. For all the time I wasted on you, I pity myself. For every moment I held my breath when you said you had something to say or something to ask. I look back to not so long ago and feel like such a fool for letting you hold back so much of me. For giving you the power, consciously, to make an idiot out of me. For the insane number of times, I let your moves determine mine only to discover I am none the better. Time goes on and I am none the wiser. Never will be. I realize my folly and continue to revel in it. Foolish, insane me. I forgot what it was like to give up when one should. I forgot the rules taught to one as a child. I look back at little pieces of saved conversations and smile at every random line. I talk about you all the time only to realize that you might never think of me except in random passing. And that thought itself makes me smile. How silly you have made me become. How lost in random hope. How inane and naïve. Yet, in all of this foolishness I cannot help but feel helpless. How do you draw yourself out of the secured web of dreams you wove so carefully? How do you walk out unscathed when all the wisps have long gone and left behind nothing but mild traces of the foolishness behind? I wonder. And I remain. Caught in this web, for as long as I can remember. Shrinking back into my safe abode, before my realization can hurt me anymore. I am safe in my foolishness….don’t make me leave here.



#I know I have posted this on the other blog too. Don't ask me for reasons. I just couldn't make up my mind as to where this should go#